My Sins

This has been a hard, trying week for me. School has been that drag-on, never ending yet always the same feel every day. It has been hard focusing because I feel like I’ll just be doing the exact same homework the next night, yet it won’t effectively change the grades I have or even the useful knowledge I have. On top of that work has been stressful: we had the Graduation Fair for all the graduates to buy their grad regalia and I was answering emails and phone calls. But, none of that is really challenging or very different from what I have always been doing. It was stressful because I felt pressured, I think self-imposed, to be better than I am at work. I made myself feel like I was more or less on a downward spiral and I am just trying to stay on top to keep my job, or at least be worthy of my job. 

Some people may feel like supporting me after reading that. They may want to say, “hey, it’ll all work out,” or “is this because of your girlfriend and you breaking up?” But it’s not that. I’m grateful for that support, but it is not necessary right now. What the real problem has become is my sins. Look, the problems I have had this past week, none of them are really trials, or afflictions I have to deal with. They are all superficial problems that I have generated, whether willingly or not. They are outside influences I have taken from myself, put in each of the aspects of my life, and flipped the switch so they might run rampant. 

When I first came home from my mission a year and eight months ago I made a promise with Pres. Miyashita, my mission president, that I would go to the temple every week and serve there for those who have already passed away, without a chance to accept Christ’s gospel. Well, I did that for a year and it blessed me immensely. This past school year I realized that my schedule wouldn’t make it possible to go every Saturday because of my homework load (thanks Poli Sci 200), so I decided, under some wonderful advice from Elder Holland, that I needed to balance my spiritual schedule with my temporal schedule. So I decided I would be able to go to the temple every other week. So I have kept to my commitment with the Lord, and again it has been immensely beneficial to me. Well this past Saturday I got sidetracked with temptations and I consciously chose to not go to the temple. This is a commandment of the Lord to go as often as is permitted, and I chose instead to dink around my apartment doing nothing. Maybe you ask, “Did that really have any effect on you? Could it really make that big of difference? Are you really labeling that one choice for the hard times you’ve had this past week?” I answer with a loud YES. It DID have that effect on me. I know my life, and week by week I have confidence in knowing what effects me and changes my day. I know the change was because I had dismissed the Lord from my life. And I hate that I dismissed Him. 

Another interesting side effect from sinning (at least this type?) is that I get nightmares. That alone is an interesting thought. But I get terrible images of death, destruction, murder, fear, doubt and hate. It is pretty much expected that if I don’t  do what is right then I have a terrible night. That’s where this whole post idea came from, because of the terrible dreams I had over the past couple nights. There is nothing refreshing about them. I would much rather be awake than not. Luckily I make it through the nights, and it really only helps me resolve to be obedient all the more.

I’m not doing this post for pity, or compassion, or empathy. I’m doing it to teach. To tell you what happens to me when I sin. This is in hopes that it will help you realize the effect sinning has in your life. I’ve felt guilt before, but it has been a while since it was this blatant. It is my guilt, I have found my recompense with the Lord, and I am set on what I will do to fix it all. Which is go to the temple.

Do you believe all of this? What do you think? Any experiences or insights you would be willing to share?

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1 Comment

  1. Dani!

     /  March 25, 2009

    man adam, judging from the title of this i thought this post would be a little bit juicier.

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